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You Said, I Said
By Michael Muehleisen
Everyone is probably familiar with the phrase "he said, she said", in which a couple is fighting and neither can see anything from the other person's point of view. Each person is so wrapped up in their thoughts, and feelings, that it is impossible to see that each person is correct, and each person is wrong; all at the same time. This situation is true, not only with inter-sexual relationships, but with all conflicts in general. The reason for this is the inability to empathize outside ourselves. Empathy is the ability, or rather the gift, to be able to put yourself in someone's position, and feel their feelings. It is a sign of higher development in one's spiritual growth. No one does something without a reason. Empathy is not an agreement with someone else, it is a knowing of where someone else stands and why. It is the ability to understand, and perhaps feel what the other person feels. When both sides of a dispute, or conflict, open themselves to empathize with the other side; resolution is the inevitable ending. This usually comes about in a form of compromise between the two parties. When there is no attempt, or an inability to empathize, hostility is the inevitable result. In the case of two nations, this means war; in the case of interpersonal relationships this means a divorce, or violence. These are the situations where everybody loses. Sadly, empathy is not taught in our schools. Most people have to learn it by trial, and error. Some people never learn it. The next time you find yourself in a dispute, take a time out, and try to see things from the other person's point of view. Chances are, the other person will reciprocate. That's when everybody wins.
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Contributor's Note
Welcome to Mike's Common Sense. All of my articles are designed to make you think; what you think is up to you.
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He said/She said is a very sad reflection of the inability of people today to formulate, express and defend an opinion. My school days were enlivened by debates wherein all children took part. Quite often I was asked to play devil's advocate because my dealings with legal entities from the age of four had given me the ability to argue a case from both sides. I suppose that could be considered extreme empathy. Infortunately, empathy, like sympathy, cannot be taught. You either can or can't empathise. When comprehension and compostion vanished from the school curiculum, the dumbing down process began - and there is no sign that it will ever stop.
CONTRIBUTOR'S REPLY
HI Coot, I do disagree I believe empathy can be taught; or at least the concept of it. Once you are aware of it you can choose to feel it.
I generally agree with you. Many of us have lost our ability to empathize. Some of us never learned it. Some of us are not interested in the concept.
CONTRIBUTOR'S REPLY
Hi James, I cannot worry about the folks that don't want to learn about empathy, only those that can and want to know about it.
Thank you for sharing the idea of going on the other side of the fense to get the view from that 180 degrees.
You do stimulate thought, Mike.
Keep up the good work.
Best to you.
Frederick
CONTRIBUTOR'S REPLY
Hi Frederick, thank you for your kind words, and reading my articles.
Some have never learned empathy, some do not have the capacity for it, and some choose for reasons which might not make sense to you and me to behave more aggressively than we think is necessary. I think the only way empathy can be taught is by example, but that does not necessarily mean a person or a nation is going to reciprocate. Therefore, as Teddy Roosevelt suggested, I walk softly, but carry a big stick.
CONTRIBUTOR'S REPLY
Hi Janet, While I agree that example is the best way to teach empathy, it is not the only way. I agree also that on occasion we need to defend ourselves, but unless it is in self defense I NEVER advocate violence.
Hi, Michael,
Teaching a concept is only a very small part of any teaching process. I spent much of my life teaching my father the concept of visual sight and I think he had got it fairly well in hand by the time he died. Unfortunately the concept was all he could ever have because it was impossible for him to feel or experience the actuality. Empathy is similar. If you cannot put yourself in someone else's place and feel the same stimuli that other person is feeling, you are not able to empathise. Many people mix empathy and sympathy but they are two poles on the same magnet.
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